Mutton dressed as Lamb, are we?
by Moonbutt
Summary: Mousefur thinks it's time Thornclaw became an Elder. Furious, Thornclaw bets he can become a 'kewl kat' by the next gathering. But will he ever get to grips with hip slang, learn to swag like a boss and understand how Lionblaze is so cool? PARODY.
1. Are you chilling on my vibes?

**Why am I doing this? PROCRASTINATION. I know, I know, where's the next Chapter for She who Controls the Wind? It is halfway there (oh, oh, living on a prayer!) but... I hate it so far. I keep writing chapters for this and I felt silly not publishing it. Yes, the title is a quote from the English TV Show Miranda, and yes, I myself am English. Is there such thing as an English sense of humour? Maybe. Anyway, Thornclaw is a babe and he doesn't get enough attention. Here's his fight for coolness for you all to enjoy. There is extremely mild 'naughty words', but they are very mild, like ass and bitch. I just thought I'd add in case anyone dislikes those words in particular. I don't like 'swearing' in my fics, but this is a parody, and calling someone a female dog is even more of an insult when you're a cat, let's be honest. Don't think they'd know what a bitch is? Ask yourself how they count. They know things, okay?**

Are you chilling on my vibes?

"And then, that turtle made another step forward, leaving an imprint in the sand from its previous step. But that's not the best part, because then, then, are you ready for this?" Mousefur turned to her audience, expecting eager little faces, only to see sleeping faces. She sighed, "it happened again; the sheer epicness of my story knocked the small kits out. Clearly they just can't handle the thrilling conclusion to 'The Turtle of Sunning Rocks'! So sorry Ferncloud, I do hope your badly-named kits sleep well," Mousefur mumbled, keeping her voice low so as not to wake the kits. The other she-cat shook her head.

"Oh, Mousefur, it is a shame. I mean, it isn't like I bring them here deliberately so your horrendously boring stories will send them to sleep. How silly!" she threw her head back, a nervous glint in her eyes; she didn't want the elder to see through her lies. "Besides, my kits are not poorly named, Dustpelt and I have had so many we were beginning to lose track. So we wanted to start counting," Ferncloud explained, before picking up the three kits, Onekit, Twokit and Threekit, in her enormous mouth that was specially designed for carrying kits before padding out of the den. Mousefur shook her head as she watched her go.

"Honestly, so unnecessary; most cats only have a phase of being kit obsessed. That one just never stopped!" she muttered to herself. She herself had no idea how that she-cat hadn't died of kit-birth already. She really needed to get out the series. She didn't even have a decent character. The Erins failed on that part… Hold on… Mousefur became very confused as she completely forgot when she had just thought.

"We can't have them breaking the fourth wall! They mustn't know!" cackled a human figure and she deleted a sentence of words from the Word page.

Mousefur tilted her head, her mind clouded. Thornclaw then padded in, giving the Elder a nod of greeting.

"Just dropping in to say hello," her former apprentice explained, sitting down in front of her. Mousefur gave him a look.

"Thornclaw, your conversations and frequent patrols are no longer featured in the books. You should really get your ass in here and join the ranks of the 'Golden Oldies'. We know the best catnip spots. Exclusive member knowledge," Mousefur gave a wink, but Thornclaw only gave a defensive growl.

"I'll have you know, I'm very important, thank you. I am one of the few senior warriors that are still alive. Anyway, I'm hip, I'm cool. See look, watch me swag," Thornclaw gave a lopsided walk that resembled that of a three-legged badger. Mousefur gave a snort, unimpressed.

"I am afraid, Thornclaw, that you lack this 'swag'. Give it up and join us, joiiin usss!" her voice became darker suddenly, startling the indignant Thornclaw.

"Sorry Mousefur but you couldn't be more wrong, and I shall prove it. By the next gathering, I will be 'top dawg', you will see. Oh yes, watch me saunter out. Like a boss. Yes," Thornclaw exclaimed with a flamboyant flick of his tail. Mousefur shook her head.

"You don't want to be 'top dog' Thornclaw, because nobody likes dogs and they have a tendency to kill us. You are not Tigerclaw, so no dog-topping should be involved. Really, Thornclaw, get your slang straight. We're not living in the days when Firestar was Rusty," Mousefur called after the retreating tom with a roll of her eyes. Thornclaw only huffed and stomped out of the Den. He _was _cool, and he was going to prove it. Out of the Elder's Den he walked, tail held high.

"Visiting tonight's new accommodation, Thornclaw?" Came an amused sneer from in front of the senior warrior; Berrynose.

"Are you chilling on my vibes, Berrystumpytail?" Thornclaw countered, receiving a glare from the obnoxious young warrior.

"You can't mention the unfortunate injury I got due to my horrendous stupidity! Or… or Daisy will be firin' her laser in _your _direction!" Snarled Berrynose angrily.

"That's impossible! Daisy can't even unsheathe her claws, let alone fire a laser. How do you even know what a laser is?" Thornclaw countered, thinking about the wet little she-cat. It was frankly gross Spiderleg went after her. I mean, how _old _was she? It would be like Thornclaw going after _Blossomfall_. Thornclaw shuddered at the thought.

"How do _you _know what a laser is?" Berrynose asked huffily.

"I asked how you know."

"How do you know?"

"No, how do _you _know?" Thornclaw lashed out at Berrynose with sheathed claws, giving him a slap on the side of his face without the claw marks. Berrynose turned, absolutely furious.

"HOW DARE YOU! DAISY WILL BE FIRIN' HER LASER!" He screeched, making Thornclaw flinch.

"Stop! The capitals blind me!" wailed the older tom, blinking a couple of times.

"What?" Berrynose looked suddenly confused.

"What?"

"I said what!"

"No, I did."

"I did!"

"Sorry, I did. Are you trying to chill on my vibes?" Countered Thornclaw, impressed by his 'hip phrase'.

"No, I think you'll find you are the one doing the vibe-chilling, on my vibes…."

"You failed to correctly carry out hip terminology! I win! Oh yes, like a boss!"

"No 'cool' cat uses the word terminology. I don't even know what it means. The dumber you are, the cooler you are, duh! Why else do you think all the she-cats who realise Lionblaze is too good for them swoon over me?" Berrynose retorted defiantly. Thornclaw huffed.

"Oh, sorry, are you chilling on my vibes again? How rude!" Thornclaw growled.

"You're chilling on _my _vibes!"

"No, you're chilling on _mine!"_

"No, you're chilling on _mine!"_

"No, you're chilling on _mine!"_

"No, you're chilling on _mine!"_

"You are both chilling on _my _vibes, and those are vibes you do _not _want to chill!" came a voice form above them. It was Firestar, floating magically above them.

"Firestar! How are you floating?" gasped the two arguing cats.

"What do you mean? I'm not floating," Firestar scoffed, still hovering innocently.

"Yes you are," the two cats replied, quite clearly seeing their Leader hovering before them.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not,"

"Yes you are."

"NO I'M NOT! EPIC LEADER'S WORD IS FINAL! All the other Clans have had different leaders over the past Seasons, but I have stayed as Epic as ever. WATCH ME SWAG ACROSS THE AIR!" With that, Firestar glided off with that unbeatable swagger of his. Damn was that old guy was cool. Thornclaw definitely had to learn some of his secrets if he was going to prove Mousefur wrong. Even though Firestar had just abused capitals… Thornclaw only blinked a few times.

"Well, I'm going to sleep now, try not to chill the air's vibes!" Berrynose snarled before prowling off.

"That was a terrible come-back! It didn't make sense! You young whipper-snapper, you!" Thornclaw grumbled, suddenly feeling very old. This was worse than he thought. He was going to have to learn from the best; the one, the only, the ultimate in crazy-prophecy-powers: Lionblaze. Now that was one with-it tom. Thornclaw would certainly be asking him for his secrets. Tomorrow though, all the arguing had made the tom weary, and he stumbled into the Warriors Den before falling face-first into an empty nest, narrowly avoiding Berrynose's stumpy tail.

**Derp. I have never written a parody before. This was supposed to be for private personal amusement. What am I doing putting it up? I deliberately abused caps. You know how much I hate caps abuse. Thornclaw has sense, so Thornclaw hates it too. Also, Mousefur? Miss her too. And Ferncloud? Worst character ever. Berrynose? Needs to be bitch-slapped. Firestar? A little too epic for his own good. One, Two and Threekit? Poor unfortunate souls. I made them up by the way, they don't actually exist. If only... Anyway, that probably wasn't great but I feel Thornclaw needs some love. So reveiw and receive your very own Thornclaw plushie! Because he's so damn cuddly 3**


	2. The trouble with slang

**I say good-derp to you. Thank you to Neko seeker sora and Ladyshadow1o1 for their reviews. To all you lurkers: why you no review? I love reviews, and this time (I promise these things too often) I will actually make an effort to at least check out your profile and stories. Pft, I know I should go around and review-spam more often but I run a tight ship and I am making my return to the lovely England in a week, which means seeing relatives (-.-) and school. Ugh. And I'm not going home for six weeks. Thank you, parents, for moving country. Again. But I digress, here's a chapter for you. Reason why it didn't take long? Already written it before I uploaded the first chapter. Half-way through the third and hope to have done five by the time I go back to the land of Eng.**

The trouble with slang…

Thornclaw's eyes snapped open as he immediately remembered his plan. That and he was on Dawn Patrol. He hopped to his feet and sauntered out of the Warriors' Den… well, I say sauntered but no good saunter results in you falling flat in your face in front of the Clan's Deputy. Brambleclaw raised an eyebrow (Because cats can do that now. Yes).

"Thornclaw, Thornclaw, Thornclaw. Even though I was born after you and was deeply distrusted by our current leader, Firestar-the-amazing-oh-hear-his-name-and-tremble-la-di-da-now-I-sound-gay- hooray! As his full title is, I was made deputy because I went on… THE QUEST OF DOOM! There-"

"I'm going to stop you right there Brambleclaw, because I know. Being a side-character, I have been able to fully analyse the whole story. I see through your lies and your capital abuse," Thornclaw snapped getting to his paws.

"What lies?" Brambleclaw asked shiftily before scampering away. Thornclaw nodded, feeling this was the time to crack another 'in' line.

"Oh, you just got burned! That's right!" He yowled after the retreating deputy. Blossomfall, who happened to be passing by, looked at the old tom in amusement.

"Thornclaw you do realise that 'burned' is a word only she-cats use. I mean you, like, totally can't pull it off like us," she gave a high-pitched purr (WTH?) before padding off. Thornclaw grumbled; he really did need Lionblaze's help. He always heard the she-cats saying what a 'phit lad' he was, even Daisy, and she didn't know anyone's name because she never went outside. Thornclaw was convinced there was something wrong with her… no; he knew here was something wrong with her. The whole Clan knew, except Firestar apparently. Clearly all those generations of Epic clouded his judgement. With that Thornclaw went to join his Dawn Patrol, which, conveniently, contained Lionblaze. Coincidence, huh?

"Lionblaze, what a pleasure to be patrolling with you on this fine morning!" Thornclaw exclaimed cheerily, thinking he was doing a good job of buttering him up. That was until he saw Lionblaze's face as he gave an uninterested snicker.

"Yo Thorn-ay. You livin'?" Lionblaze asked, his voice cool and casual, the way he carelessly slurred his words causing a slight pain in Thornclaw's old ears. Why do she-cats like that? It was truly vulgar, all that nonsensical slang. However, Thornclaw must persevere and prove Mousefur wrong. He padded up to the young golden tom, waiting for the rest of the patrol to gather.

"Well, I certainly hope I'm living, or otherwise I'd be- I mean, yeah, well good mate, livin' da life, y'know. Bruv. Mate. Yeah?" Thornclaw tried to add as many 'cool' nicknames on the end as possible, thinking he sounded horrendously 'with-it'. Lionblaze gave a small chuckle, swishing his tail.

"And don't ya know it, Thorns. You ready to go strolling?" Lionblaze replied, the way he spoke making Thornclaw wince again, but he nodded slowly, trying to look happy but casual, which was hard. Lionblaze didn't look especially happy, but he clearly was. He was just so gangster he didn't need to smile. If Thornclaw didn't smile everyone would probably think he was angry at nothing, and cool people don't get anger; they are well, _cool, _about everything. He bobbed his head, tail swishing behind him as he tried to decipher what Lionblaze had just said. Strollin'? Did he mean patrolling? Berrynose had said cool cats were stupid, so perhaps, since the two words rhymed, Lionblaze had just gotten them mixed up. Or was it cool to rhyme words now? Rhyming slang… Yeah, that had a ring to it. Thornclaw thought, when he was a 'kewl kat' he would make that the new thing, if Lionblaze already hadn't.

Thornclaw was about to reply when Blossomfall and Poppyflight trotted over, giggling to each other.

"OMG IKR? RBBSH NVBS! You know what I mean?" Poppyflight exclaimed, rattling off a bunch of letters that meant no sense to Thornclaw. He tilted his head; she-cats. But if he wanted to be cool, surely being up-to-date with she-cat slang was just as important?

"Ch'eah, I said DTRT, but she was all like DUMB! So I like, walked off, because IMO CBB TBH, y'know?" Blossomfall replied, seemingly infuriated by something, rattling off more ludicrous groups of letters. Thornclaw turned to Lionblaze, whose expression didn't change as he winked to the two she-cats.

"You diggin'?" He asked, and both she-cats swooned, falling over each other in a giggling heap before springing to their feet again, nodding.

"Totes babes," they replied in chorus, voices climbing several octaves, making Thornclaw flatten his ears in pain. He really had been under rock for some time; the times had changed; everything from slang to she-cats. As the Patrol began to head out, Thornclaw caught up to pad beside Lionblaze, prepared to fir various questions. He just had to prove Mousefur wrong, no matter how baffled he was by all these young'uns' frolicking about and abusing their beautiful languages with weird strings of letters.

**Poppy and Blossom conversation translation: **

**Poppy: "Oh My Goodness I know right? Rubbish, no very big smile!"**

**Blossom: "Yeah, I said do the right thing, but she was like do you mind bitch? So I walked off, because in my opinion I couldn't be bothered to be honest, you know?"**

**B&P together to Lionblaze: "Totally baby!"**

**I make up slang for lulz. Don't you go judging me.**

**And the next chapter of She who controls the Wind? I'm making slow progress; nearly up to 2000 words now, and I'm trying to think of a little cliffhanger to end the chapter on. And I'll be offering up some cute little prizes depending on the amount of reviews I get for the next chapter of SWCtW, because I've been doing some doodling and family tree work whilst I've been procrastinating.**

**But you should review this PLZTHX and I'll thank you publicly. And give you a cookie. You'd like that wouldn't you? Yeah, you would. So review.**

**This looks so much shorter than it did on word. I hate that.**

**Um... sorry for the long AN. I just love to chatter at 1 in the morning But I'll go sleep now, hope to wake up to some Reviews in the morning. ~Si :3**


	3. Patrollin'

**Ah large delay. Such fun! Enjoy this chapter full of hideous language! Thanks everyone for their reviews so far :3 Keep it up!**

Patrollin'

This was the moment. Zis vas zeee momenteeee… The voice in Thornclaw's mind seemed to be going crazy as his heartbeat increased considerably. Being old was _tough_, he wouldn't lie. Everything was just more of an effort. Of course, he wouldn't' admit this to anyone: he had to be like Lionblaze, who seemed as if not even the death of his entire Clan could bother him. And apparently, appearing this heartless was _attractive._ They weren't lying when they said romance was dead…

With hurried steps Thornclaw caught up with Lionblaze, sauntering at the head of the patrol, the two she-cats trailing behind, watching him with wistful eyes and giggling the whole time. Barely a glance with directed towards Thornclaw. He sucked up his annoyance and fear and turned to Lionblaze, who didn't even look at him as he fell in line beside him. This was going to be harder than he thought…

"Hi Lionblaze, uh… I was wondering, uh…" Thornclaw fumbled for the right words, looking forlornly over at Lionblaze, who graced him with a momentary glance and then:

"Go on, mate, spit it out," Lionblaze muttered, amusement lacing his slurred tones. The giggles of the she-cats behind raised a few tones. Thornclaw cringed.

"Well I was wondering if you could give me some help with being cool," he blurted out, turning his face away to the forest, surveying the empty crevasses of the greenery, not daring to look at Lionblaze, not wishing to even imagine the look on his face.

However, Lionblaze's cool façade never faltered, and the only hint of amusement he gave was the most subtle of snickers. It was almost scary how little emotion Lionblaze showed, and it was even scarier that she-cats found it attractive. Thornclaw didn't see anything sexy about acting like a rock.

"Hm. 'Ight, Thorns, I'll help ya, bro. I mean, you iz pretty, ya know, _old_… but, if the granpaps Fire still haz it you can probs find it," Thornclaw didn't know how such appalling grammar was even aloud from a member of ThunderClan. He would expect it of WindClan: those scrawny felines seemed to be instructed by a kit with the way they acted and spoke.

Just as ThornClaw was about to eagerly thank Lionblaze and begin firing questions faster than Dasy's non-existent laser, they were interrupted by the sound of voices coming from the WindClan border. It seemed that the WindClan patrol had coincided with theirs. Thornclaw prepared himself for an awkward conversation consisting of small talk and a lot of bad grammar. These were WindClan cats,

after all, not to mention the letter-abusing she-cats and the slang-master Lionblaze. For a moment, Thornclaw wished he was deaf.

"Ooooh loooookkkk Peeeblekrawwww! Dere iz dose TunderCran crates!" one voice exclaimed, the owner of said voice pointing excitedly over at the oncoming patrol. Thornclaw grimaced, peering ahead to pinpoint the WindClan cats.

"Weel sputen Frenpwa!" came the reply from a cat Thronclaw recognised as Pebbleclaw, or as 'Frenpwa' he called him, 'Peeblekraw'. May StarClan help him. With a deep breath of preparation, Thornclaw trotted next to Lionblaze as they came face to face with the two criminals of feline language.

"Heeloooo TunderCran peetrol! How iz yur Cran?" Pebblecraw… wait, Pebble_claw_ asked in a voice that screeched up and down like a retarded bird in flight. Thornclaw had to keep himself from flattening his ears; he didn't want to appear hostile.

Despite Thornclaw's clear discomfort, Lionblaze appeared as chilled as ever. Even Fernpaw, a WindClan cat so stupid that it was a surprise she even realised Lionblaze was actually a cat and not some form of golden fox.

"Yeah, we're well well. Be seeing ya," with a wink Lionblaze trotted off, leaving Thornclaw stunned for a moment; well well? Can one say that? Apparently so, since the WindClan cats seemed satisfied and the ThunderClan she-cats seemed to be having a fit of squeals. They really shouldn't do that: Thornclaw almost though they were dying or something. Again, how does making she-cats look like they're dying attractive? Thornclaw was beginning to become worried about this whole thing: had he gotten himself in too deep?

Catching up with Lionblaze, he turned to look at the golden tom, although the young cat didn't return his gaze. But Thornclaw didn't have to ask again before Lionblaze launched into his first words of wisdom. Well, one says 'wisdom', but somehow it is doubtful that is a word in his vocabulary.

"So, bein' cool. Mate, I dunno how to teach ya. It's all in the look. You gotta look bored, like you need entertainment. Then cats'll give it to ya, bro," that seemed to be the most coherent sentence that Thornclaw had ever heard come out of Lionblaze's mouth. He could work with that. Thornclaw nodded, vigorously at first before realising he was supposed to be acting 'not bothered' and slowed his nodding to a slight bob.

"Alright then," he said slowly, blinking a few times. The forest fell silent for a moment, which was the opposite of Thornclaw's mind, which was racing as he tried to muster up the courage and find the right words to test out Lionblaze's wisdom on the two she-cats behind.

A crash broke the silence.

Through the trees burst a badger, clearly angry and slashing blindly away at anything in his path. Clearly it needed a lesson from Lionblaze. Thornclaw and the she-cats let out a high-pitched squeal and skittered backwards, but Lionblaze just stood there, unblinking. Was his brain made of moss or something.

Thornclaw bounced forward tentatively to join Lionblaze as they both prepared to spring at the oncoming badger.

_This is just brilliant, _Thornclaw groaned inside his head as he waited for the fight to commence. Why do these things have to happen to him?

**WindClan translations:**

"**Oh look Pebbleclaw! There are those ThunderClan cats!"**

"**Well spotted Fernpaw!"**

"**Hello ThunderClan patrol! How is your Clan?"**

**I have trouble spelling Pebble correctly now. ;-;**

**Ah those darned crates. Always up to new mischief. The WindClan crates are made up. I couldn't remember any of their names except Onestar and I'm too lazy to find out. I also don't have a low opinion of WindClan; they're actually one my favourite Clans, if not my favourite. The Erins just always portrayed them as a bit useless. Well, that was probably unamusing, but uh... Review and you get a Peeble all of your own!**


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